Dear DoubleTake,
I am 39 years old and married to a man who is six years younger than I am. We've been married for five years and I've been accused of cheating at least 10 times a year.
I've never given him any reason to think I am doing something behind his back. We have three kids together and I am always with them.
I started going to church and was accused of having a relationship with the pastor. I would go to bible study with a group of people, and still he says I am cheating.
The other day I got a call on my cell phone. I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer it. He accused me again of cheating. If I even say, "Hi," to a male friend, he says I am flirting. I don't give this man any reason to accuse me of cheating. I took my vows very seriously.
In my past relationships, men who accused me of cheating were actually the cheaters.
I don't even have a girls' night out because I don't want the hassle, but I don't have a problem when he goes out because I trust him. Why can't he just trust me?
I've asked him this question and even suggested couples therapy for the sake of this marriage and our children, and he doesn't want to go. What should I do?

EDDIE SAYS:

I think you have hit on a likely source of the problem here: He either cheats or really wants to, so he assumes that you do, as well. Or maybe he just thinks that everybody cheats, so you must as well.

In either case, the believe probably comes from his core, so deeply ingrained that he would be hard-pressed to recognize it, let alone change it.

So, it's going to take something big on your part for him to recognize that something has got to change. I suspect that you have complained about this trait from the beginning, but he keeps on doing it. Why? Because your actions show that you can at least accept it as part of being married to him.

If you truly can no longer cope with that kind of pressure and libel, you're going to have to take some action, not just use words.

BETTY SAYS:

Your marriage is in a tough spot, and he's unwilling to meet with a counselor about it. At this point, I'd say it's time for you to decide whether to put his anxiety to an ultimatum.

Start out by answering some questions. Did his parents have problems with infidelity? Did any of his ex-girlfriends cheat on him? And one that should be considered very carefully: Is he cheating and feeling guilty about it?

If the answers come up negative, I'd pinpoint the issue as anxiety, insecurity or low self-worth on your husband's behalf. However, it will be hard for him to work toward a realistic goal without proper treatment. That's when you must decide if it's worth sticking around in this relationship.

What your letter doesn't say is if your husband has any substance abuse problems, existing psychological problems or if he ever acts out with violence. If he indeed has problems with abuse, please seek help for yourself and your children and leave the rest behind.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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