INDIANAPOLIS -- About a year ago, former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning was preparing for Week 1 of his 18th NFL season. This year, he's on Comedy Central insulting celebrities at actor Rob Lowe's roast.
"The Comedy Central Roast Of Rob Lowe” aired Monday night, with Manning as one of the publicized guests.
If you're home from work and want to watch the full, language-filled episode, click here. You'll need to sign in with your TV provider.
Colts.com provided a handy transcript of Manning's comments about different celebrities, and their burns back on him.
If you're scratching your head as to why Manning was selected to roast Rob Lowe, think back to nearly five years ago.
After the 2011 season, Manning was still on the mend from his neck surgery that would eventually end his career in Indianapolis. The Colts went 2-14 and were a few months away from releasing Manning.
There were many rumors in the sports world about what would happen with Manning: Would the Colts release or trade him? Would the team trade the pick and keep Manning? Or would he - gasp - retire?
Well, according to Colts fan Rob Lowe, he was done.
— Rob Lowe (@RobLowe) January 18, 2012
Shortly after the tweet, Lowe's prediction (if you want to call it that) was rebuked by Jim Irsay, Archie Manning and anybody else who would actually know.
It's been five years since the tweet, and Manning isn't letting it go.
At Lowe's roast, Manning said:
"Well, five years ago, ESPN NFL Insider Rob Lowe here tweeted out to the entire world that I was retiring from football. Not five months ago, when I actually did retire — but five years ago, Sodapop Curtis tweeted that I was done. Finished. I mean, Rob, I never tried to ruin your big moments. I never told people when The Grinder got canceled. Or when Dr. Vegas got canceled. Or when Lion’s Den got canceled. Or when Moonbeam City got canceled. Or when your DirecTV commercials got canceled. Heck, I was just thinking, had you been quarterback for the Broncos last year, the freakin’ Super Bowl would’ve been canceled. In fact, the only thing you’re consistently on is Twitter, which is surprising, because you’ve never been able to master one character, let alone 140."
Lowe wasn't the only one to feel Manning's wrath at the roast. He also took aim at host David Spade:
“Thank you David. For your first roast, this has got to be really exciting for you. Your performance so far reminds me of my rookie year in the NFL when I threw a league-high 28 interceptions and had absolutely no clue what I was doing. … As we all know, I followed in my father’s footsteps, but David, you forged a path on your own. I know you wanted to follow in your dad’s footsteps, but he snuck out of the house so carefully he didn’t leave any tracks. But you did it anyway, David. You went out and got a business degree from Arizona State. Although to be fair, I think we all know that a business degree from Arizona State is just a bar towel that says you read good. … Speaking of reading, I recently read Spade’s memoir, Almost Interesting. Actually, I’m lying. You really think the first book that I’ve picked up in 20 years is going to be by the guy that played Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star? I don’t think so. By the way David, that title, Almost Interesting? Talk about false advertising. Now, if he wanted to be honest, he should’ve called it, ‘Almost Tall Enough To Ride A Roller Coaster.’"
And political commentator Ann Coulter:
"Wow. I just realized that I am not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby. Congrats on that, Ann. Great job.”
And comedian Jimmy Carr:
“They had to fly in some weirdo from England just to get enough guys up here. No offense, weirdo. It’s Jimmy Carr, right? That’s your name? Welcome to America. I know you guys use words differently there. Like, for example, in England, football means soccer. And here in America, Jimmy Carr means, ‘We couldn’t get Russell Brand.’”
To Manning's credit, he can take it as well as he can dish it out. Manning also took some shots from the celebrities that night.
“I’ll never forget Peyton’s career," Spade said. "Sadly, he will.”
Many shots at Manning focused on the size of his forehead, like we've never heard those before.
Actor Rob Riggle said:
“Ad then there’s the Sheriff. Well, well, well. Old No. 18 -- Peyton Manning! Peyton, as you know, is from New Orleans. But you might not know this, though: after Katrina, he helped displaced families by letting them stand on his forehead for two days. A real New Orleans Saint!”
Comedian Nikki Glaser hit Manning, and Colts fans everywhere right where it hurts -- the pride.
“I don’t know much about football, but I love Peyton in commercials," Glaser said. "You’re so good at them. Like legitimately. I’d say you’re the greatest of all-time. I’d say, like — you’re like the Tom Brady of being in commercials! You know, like, the greatest. Like, he’s the greatest, right?"
The most-discussed shot of the night was aimed at Lowe, and Brady.
"But, hey, I don’t worry about Rob Lowe," Manning said. "He is a workhorse. And, heck man, if they ever stop casting you in sitcoms, just look in the bright side: you tried to take the air out of my retirement announcement so fast, you could probably get a job as Tom Brady’s ball boy."
We can only hope Manning gets his own roast someday, to be treated to a full episode of this hilarity.